Don’t Judge a Book by Its Movie

May 18th, 2010 7:56 PM -05

In response to Barb’s Twiluctance, I present a Twidork’s perspective.

1. Real vampires* don’t sparkle.

What’s wrong with a sparkly vampire, people? Who are we to judge their effervescent reaction to the sun? My fair skin freckles in sunlight. Traditional vamps disintegrate into ash. I find sparkling so much more pleasant. Besides, a little bling makes so many things so much better. Like Cher. Or flip flops.

2. Real vampires don’t wait for Kristen Stewart.

No, they don’t. And they shouldn’t. In the books, Bella’s got balls. She goes toe-to-toe with Edward and doesn’t take his crap (or anyone else’s for that matter). She’s not the helpless, fragile emofo KStew portrays. Book Bella’s fearless and keeps her man-vamp guessing. That makes her kinda perfect for Edward, so he waits. No one waits for KStew, except RPatz.

3. Real vampires don’t bite their lips and sigh.

I’m hoping KStew’s Twitourettes lifts by the time she gets vamped in Breaking Dawn Part Deux. If she doesn’t, the screenwriter can always add a comedic scene where newly-turned KStew takes an accidental chomp outta her lower lip.

4. Real vampires don’t go back to high school.

High school is a pretty sore subject for most. How many of us have said we’d never want to relive that nightmare. But imagine how awesome it would be to go back all-knowing and all hotness? Plus, what’s an eternal insomniac to do? Daytime TV and mountain lion hunting can get old. Fast. High school’s not such a heinous way to pass time if you’re looking to blend into a small, Olympic Coast town while your hot dad works at the local hospital.

Basically, what I’m saying is that you can’t judge the Twilight book series based on the movies. The movies make for great eye candy, but they take liberty with character interpretation and plot lines. Not to say that Stephanie Meyer’s work is exactly Jane Austen-tastic, but her books are a fun, quick read. I read all 4 in 5 days. And who cares that they’re not “traditional” vampires. They’re an interesting spin on a centuries old myth. And, yes, the books are PG-13 at best, but so are all the schmutzy teen rom-coms we rarely confess to watching.

Admit it. You know who Mike Dexter is.

Guess what? He’s also Carlisle Cullen. 😉

* We are ignoring the fact that there are no such things as “real” vampires.

4 Responses to “Don’t Judge a Book by Its Movie”

  1. Barb says:

    BLOG FEUD! I love it, and I *might* even borrow the book from you after your persuasive arguments.

    But, you know me, and you must have figured out by now that Southern Vampires are my thing… so I’m not sure I’m “switching sides”, yet.

    We’ll see.

  2. tara says:

    Oh there’s no need to switch. No need to choose. I can appreciate both for their unique perspectives. Granted, I’ve had a hard time getting into the Sookie Stackhouse novels but that’s mainly b/c I watched “TB” first. Killing off Lafayette. Psyah! No one kills a good tranny and gets my stamp of approval! 😉

  3. Ash says:

    I don’t mind the sparkly, the rationale for that did seem somewhat thought out in the books. I found the dynamics of the Bella/Edward relationship pretty creepy.

  4. tara says:

    I definitely agree with that, Ashlea. If I had a teenage daughter, I wouldn’t be too happy with her reading the books and thinking that’s how relationships should be…that giving up friends and family for a guy is acceptable. I’d have to tell her “This is a fairy tale. In real life, stalking is bad.” Then I’d remind her that any boys found in her bedroom would be staked, regardless of mortality status.

    With such a large teen base, I do wish there were an open dialogue about the relationship dynamics. Oprah FAIL.

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