Category: Skinny Bitch or Bust

Mama Needs a New Pair of Shoes


Tuesday, March 20th, 2012

Shoes, pants, shirts… You name it, I need it.

By my 6 week post-partum checkup, I’d lost all 40 pounds I gained over those 9 months. By November, I was down 20 more. How on earth did this happen?

Easy. I had a baby who wouldn’t take a bottle, suffered from acid reflux and was thought to have multiple food allergies. (She’s either outgrown most of them and/or it was an adverse rotovirus vaccine reaction all along). I went for weeks excluding dairy, soy, wheat, eggs, corn, fish, nuts and chicken. This meant no eating out or pre-packaged foods. Basically, I lived on rice, quinoa and meat.

Now that her green, bloody diaper days are behind us (KOW!!!), I’m eating everything but soy and dairy. I’ve regained 5 pounds (damn you, Whataburger!). Still, that’s a lot of weight to have lost in a short period of time. It’s resulted in a dearth of clothing options and a shrunken foot.

Not that I’m complaining! I never imagined I’d be in this situation. I thought I’d fight those preggo pounds forever just as I battled bulge before Wiggles was even on the radar. It’s just that now I’m in a weird predicament.

Nothing fits, even some of my shoes are too big. I’d live in jeans if I could, but work requires more effort. I’ve resorted to safety pinning and rolling waistbands for my pants and wearing camisoles under my knit shirts-turned-plunging neckline tunics.

I’ve tried buying a few items online only to return them. I find myself in between both clothing and shoe sizes. Further complicating matters, I’m still short. You’d think with all those prenatal vitamins a girl would grow an inch or two. Three would’ve been fabulous. I’ve always wanted to be 5’4″…

Snap back to reality!

Then there’s the fact that I just don’t like anything I see. Pastels, color blocking, boho chic and neons?

These are fashion trends I could do without.  I’m a pale, 30-something winter. Gimme mah solid jewel tones!

I’ll have to wait until autumnal hues return. With today marking Spring’s start, I should start stocking up.

Anyone know where I can buy safety pins in bulk?

Toe Up


Monday, September 21st, 2009
  • one massive chin zit
  • a cold sore in the making
  • gray hair
  • mosquito bitten legs
  • nubs that were nails last week
  • chipped pedicure
  • bloated fingers constricting engagement ring
  • fat pants that fit


Can someone who owns some fat farm spa in some fabulous place please kidnap me?

Confectionary Confessional


Saturday, August 15th, 2009

When a friend revealed she’d been diagnosed with swinusitus, I had to do something to help alleviate her suffering.  I knew there was only one place to go:  Mrs. Beasley’s Cupcakes, centrally located between Wilshire Boulevard and the 9th level of hell.

Unfortunately, global warming has temporarily halted Mrs. Beasley’s cross-country cupcake delivery.  As I searched for shippable baked goodiness, I came across the most evil thing:  the Treat Yourself selections.  For a fraction of the cost, Mrs. Beasley’s will send you an assortment of her finest temptations in plain cardboard packaging.  Like Playboy or Hustler.

Armed with a coupon code, it occured to me that this would be perfect for my office.  It’s been so long since our first encounter with Mrs. Beasley’s crackcakes that the arrival of any Mrs. Beasley’s product would surely evoke joy.  And it being my 33rd 27th birthday soon, I figured the timing was perfect.

I was about to check out when something vaguely familiar stopped me.  As if something was telling me I was doing something wrong…  Oh yeah, that was my conscience (in the form of my growing ass) whispering “Tara, Mrs. Beasley’s is not South Beach Phase 1 friendly…”

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

So you may wonder, “Why is Tara on South Beach Phase 1 when  she should already be at her 25lb weight loss goal?”

Simply put, I fell off the wagon so hard that I ended up where I started.  I could make excuses that eating takeout during our move and life’s compounded stresses made healthy eating impossible.  But the fact is simple:  I wanted crappy food and I ate it.  A LOT of it.  Oh, and I drank a lot, too.

When my fat pants stopped drooping and started constricting, I had to replace them with larger models.   The sticker shock from the size glaring back at me was horrific.   That’s when I decided enough was enough.

So now I’m back to square one.  I’m cutting out unnecessary sugar… weening myself off all most things deep fried…   25lbs by early November’s final dress fitting is doable.

Plus, it’ll give me an excuse to buy new pants in far less traumatic sizes.

Hulk Hogan Hearts This


Thursday, July 30th, 2009

Today, I popped 3 vitamins in an attempt to develop a daily regimen.

I’ve tried the whole vitamin thing several times, only to ABC-ya within months days hours. There’s just so many things I don’t like about vitamins…

1. I can’t stand that pervasive vitamin smell. I put a baggie of them in a desk drawer, and, two years later, that smell still permeates.
2. I hate that full feeling that comes with taking 10 horse pills a day. It’s not exactly the most fun way to curb an appetite.
3. I have a crappy comes to remembering to take the damn things 3 times a day.
4. It’s hard to find affordable vitamin and mineral supplements not derived from dairy or shellfish.

But I’m hoping that I’ve uncovered a solution for my vitamin aversion. I found some vegan, one-a-day, vitamins on Amazon. I got a Multi-Vitamin with Iron, a Flaxseed Oil/Omega-3 Combo, Sublingual B12 and Glucosamine Chondroitin for a maximum of 4 vitamins to down daily. So now I have no excuses.

Although, it would be nice if they were already built into more enjoyable things like coffee or margaritas. My fiance and I once pondered combining vitamins and malt liquor. We even had a name for it.

FORTYFIED!

Fascinate. Deviate. Reinstate. Liberate. To moderate…


Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

If I’d written “Mediate” by INXS, “procrastinate” would’ve definitely made the cut.   There’s a reason “Procrastinate Less” is on the 2009 To-Do List:  I’m reeeeeally good at it.  I’m convinced Snorg designed this t-shirt for me.

In attempt to reduce guit/stress induced eating and nail-biting progress, I’ve summoned my inner Virgo and compiled the following task list:

Wedding:

  • Mail my family and friends’ Save the Dates
  • Get addresses for Dan’s Save the Dates.
  • Mail Dan’s Save the Dates
  • Book honeymoon hotel
  • Book Blue Mountain tour
  • Figure out time o’ wedding
  • Meet with Venue Coordinator
  • Meet with Wedding Coordinator
  • Book DJ
  • Book Florist
  • Book Cake Maestro
  • Book Photographer
  • Seriously consider paying the wedding coordinator more money to do all this stuff.


House:

  • Call for hardwood floor estimate
  • Call electrician about grounding dishwasher
  • Call A/C people for plenum check (I know what a plenum is…what the hell!)
  • Cash in insurance policy (sorry, beneficiaries)
  • Find DVD player at storage unit and install it in living room
  • Hassle Realtor Cousin about Title Policy Task completed today!
  • Hassle Realtor Cousin about Deed of Trust Task completed today!
  • Apply for 2009 New Home Tax Rebate (Yes, we can pay next year’s property taxes – wahoo! kow!)
  • Transform my home office into Master Closet, Part Deux


Life:


  • Talk friends into a Game Night or Pinot and Picasso
  • Take niece bowling
  • Pay car insurance
  • Remember where I put that gym…
  • Let CLE videos run while I do everything else Comply with the full letter and spirit of all Texas State BarCLE requirements.

Do  a dance of joy and down a celebratory pitcher of blood orange margaritas when I complete these tasks.