Category: Oh, No They Di’unt

iPhoning It In


Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

My cellular telephone of choice is rotten.  To the core.

My iPhone wouldn’t keep a charge this weekend, so I honored the Sabbath at the Apple altar.  The Genius Bartender scrapped my OS and sent me home with instructions on restoring as a new device.  Didn’t work.

So I returned Monday night.  Much to my astonishment, the Geniuses were stumped.   I smirked as they debated what could be wrong.  Water damage?  No.  Rogue app?  Possible but not probable.  Bad battery?  It would shut down not bypass standby.  They concluded it was the phone itself.  They recommended replacing it but generously offered to run an $80 diagnostic test before showing me a $199 or $299 3GS.  I opted to skip that exerci$e in futility.  Convinced iPhone Uno had died, I bought a pimped out 32GB Black iPhone Dos.

Much to my chagrin, Dos has the same issues as Uno.   Yeah, it looks like purchasing Dos was unnecessario.

I  know I should take the new one back, but I can’t.   I just can’t let all those gigabytes go.   I WON’T TAKE IT BACK!  I want Voice Control!  I need Voice Control!  To enable my lavish purchase lessen the blow, my haxor hubs plans to unlock iPhone Uno, so I can profit off my loss.

In the meantime, I’m going to keep troubleshooting.   I’ve stopped push notifications, disabled 3G and uninstalled all apps .  I have high Apple pie in the sky hopes for this latest iTunes update. (KOW!)

If it doesn’t work, it’ll be awhile before my next update.   My pear ass will be camped at the Apple Store.

Are You McF’n Me?


Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Yesterday’s power lunch consisted of a Macdonoes Mighty Kids McNugget meal with apple slices.  I had my choice between a Nickelodeon-related girl toy and a Star Wars boy toy.   Why they offer lame gender-specific toys is beyond me.  But when given the choice, I had to go with Star Wars.

I anticipated what coolness my eco-friendly Happy Bag concealed.  Don’t even get me started on them not using folding boxes with McHandles. A Yoda? A Darth Vader?  An R2-D2?   The possibilities were endless.  Okay, not necessarily.  There are only eight possible choices.  Unless you’re factoring The Force within them.  Then, yeah, that’s endless.

Imagine my disappointment when I reached my office and found this P.O.S. at the bottom of my bag:

What the hell kind of McToy is this?  A miniature Ben Stiller on a rolling blob with a trading card!?! (Flash to my favorite fish stick commercial with the kid saying “You feed  me minced!?! You ever catch a minced fish?”)   No kid is lame enough to trade “Night at the Museum” cards.

But should you know one willing to swap an R2-D2 key chain for this inky dinky squid toy, I was totally kidding about that lame comment.  The child is obviously a brilliant prodigy with a remarkably profound appreciation for both cinema and sea life.

Back me up on this, Boba Fett.

Who the Hell Sold Christmas!?!


Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

I know that Christmas seems to come earlier each year as stores slap up Santa displays sometime after the groundhog emerges and before trick-or-treaters pound pavement.

But when I went to Hobby Lobby tonight to buy supplies for my office’s “Deck the Walls” cubical deco-rama, I was shocked.   The rows and rows of Christmas cheer had been pared down to 5 aisles of clearance crap.  In their place were frogs, garden statuary and heinous tributes to Spring.  SPRING!?!  Hell, it snowed last week.

I continued my jolly journey to Lowe’s in search of outdoor lights.  The neighbors’ holiday displays are putting our house to shame.  We need to crush the competition share in the community spirit.  The entire aisle was also in clearance consolidation without so much as a six foot strand of icicles in sight.

I’ve read articles about retailers lowering stock this year to avoid costly inventory obsolescence .  There’s also demand-driving at work.  What the hell?   I demand less Keynes, more Kringle!

So now I’ve had to revise my wish list.

All I want for Christmas… is Christmas!

Why I’m Going to Hell: Reason 274


Monday, October 19th, 2009

While searching for a Twitter-related graphic or the previous entry, I came across the following picture and burst into hysterical laughter.

I showed it to Dan.  He didn’t find it as funny.

I taut he’d see the humah! I did! I did!

Stephanie Meyer is a Whore


Tuesday, September 8th, 2009

Why else would the she green light licensing agreements that result in Twilight branded BK crowns, Barbie dolls, eye shadow and even a line of Nordstrom clothing?

Or maybe it’s that the millions upon millions she’s made off book sales and movie residuals just aren’t enough.   Maybe her plan is to bleed the franchise dry.

Pun intended.

Sorry about that.

So I say more power to her.  Who needs a sense of pride in one’s work and a refusal to compromise when there are so many products out there screaming for Twilight cross promotion!  Better yet, why not pitch her some more lucrative product placement ideas:

  • Snack like a Cullen: Mother’s Iced Animals Limited Edition Blood Red Cookies:  Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh yum!  Spider Monkeys not included!
  • ADT Security System:  Keeping Daughters In and Vampires Out for Decades!
  • Edward Cullen for the Humane Society: reminding you to spay or neuter your dogs
  • Stay Claritin clear for all of your meadow-romping!
  • JC Penney Presents The Renesmee Portrait Package:  Your little one grows up so fast, capture those moments on film!
  • Velcro:  Official Outfitter of the Quileute Wolves
  • Victoria’s Secret presents the padded Bella Bra:  If your chest feels as empty as hers does in New Moon, this bra is for you!


Shame on you, Stephanie Meyer.  It’s hard enough being a 30-something year who’s not only read all 4 books but who also intends to see all 4 movies.  I catch enough crap for that already.  But when you go out and teenyboppify your trademark at New Kids on the Block levels, you’ve gone too far, missy.

Slow your roll, look inward and learn from your beloved Edward:  Just say no to being a ho.