Category: Fanpire

Quatre Scratch Fever


Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

When Bob Costas announced tonight marked the 11th day of Lympic* coverage, I gasped.  Has it really been 11 days!?!  But that can’t be!  That means it’s almost…over.

I’m sensing the same dread as when my ‘roid course ran last December.  Only, I’ve got a different condition, one I’ve had before.

I have all the classic symptoms of the 4-year flu.  Yep, I’ve got Lympic Fevah.

Here’s how you know you do, too:

  1. You appreciate your morning coffee so much more now that your bedtime coincides with Mary Carillo’s graveyard shift.
  2. You kick it Cold War style, applauding Russian figure skating flubs. “Nice triple clutz, Commie!”
  3. You’ve been to RalphLauren.com hoping that snazzy knit caps have magically restocked…at a seriously reduced price.
  4. You yell obscenities at blatantly biased judging because you’re clearly an expert:  “Come on! That Canuckclehead didn’t hit the pole flaggy thing hard enough! You call that medal worthy, eh!?!”
  5. Screw traditional media.  You can’t wait that long!  You get your results from Apps and @ApoloOno

It’s not hopeless.  Following the Closing Ceremony, it goes away… eventually.  Flowers bloom. Vampire tv shows return.

Before you know it, it’s 2012 and you’re yelling “Come on, that Chinese gymnast is a fetus!”

* In my household, we don’t watch the “Olympics.”  That won’t happen until Dublin’s the host city.  Instead, we watch “The Lympics.”   There’s no particular reason why.  It’s just how we roll.

I ♥ TV


Monday, February 22nd, 2010

I love TV.  I really, really do.

I always have the television on, often without watching it.  It’s on as I simultaneously listen to my iPod and surf the interwebs.  It’s on as I vacuum various rooms throughout the house.  I can’t fall asleep without a show like “Forensic Files” playing at low volume.  Traditional lights-out staring at the ceiling makes my mind race, yet skull fracture analysis lulls me to sleep.

I primarily keep it on for background noise and movement.   I’m not a fan of total silence.  I find it deafening.  I was never one to study in libraries; I needed noise.  Luckily, the televisions in the master bedroom and living room provide ample ADHDTV.

There’s just one room in the house where I don’t have but reeeally want boob tubular access: the kitchen.  Standing in the kitchen cooking or doing dishes can be mind-numbing.  When I come home from work , I want to pour a glass of something and cook dinner while watching “Entertainment Tonight” thought-provoking newscasts.

You’re probably wondering why I just don’t get a small set for the kitchen.  There’s simply no room.  We have an iMac occupying the space next to the cable outlet.  (We use it to look up recipes…check weather…we’re living it up like George and Jane)  But I have used the iMac’s DVD drive to watch my old standby …one too many times.   It gets old fast.  Like Edward climbing trees fast.

(in my best Billy Idol Bri’ish sneer)  I WANT MY LIVE TV!

With Prime’s help, I may have found my eye candy fix.  And if you’re reading this and planning an intervention, please let me know.

I’ll need a heads up for DVRing the shows I do watch.

With-drol


Monday, December 14th, 2009

So I’m almost through my third day of my six day Medrol-fueled frenzy and I’m beginning to dread the withdrawal.

I got so much done today.  With it taking all I could to show up last week,  there were lots of work to-do’s needing to get did.

I immediately resumed my feverish Lysol surface wipedown, cleaned the kitchen and restocked the hand soap supply (10 for $10 at Kroger – holla!) Yes, I get excited about hand soap deals. It’s the juice running through my vei… v-words. Yes, I have issues with the word for the blood-carrying tubes that run through one’s body.  And, yet, I dig vampire movies.  Go figure.

After work, I hauled butt to Walgreens to pick up a prescription. Sixty bucks later, I had 3-for-1 candy canes, 2-for-1 red door handle bells and my Snuggielicious office white elephant gift. If the pickins are slim, I may have to steal my own gift… I mean, if I’m going to start a cult some day,  I might as well sport a leopard frock.

While I awaited Carole’s Christmas Cookie delivery, I slapped up the pre-lit porch-u-pine trees and the aforementioned 2-for-1 red door handle bells. It required a trip to Lowe’s for an outdoor extension cord. I bought an 8′ cord. Apparently I needed 9′.

But I will not rest until we have a fairly decent outdoor holiday display.

Or until the Medrol wears off.

Two to Make it Right


Thursday, December 10th, 2009

First things first: yes, I am a self-confessed, unabashed Twidork.

I’ve read the books, including “Midnight Sun.”  I own the “Twilight” DVD and am convinced the deleted scenes were best.  I appreciate Cullen Cardio and played all phases of What Drives Edward, which proved excessively challenging – seriously, no one residing outside Forks, Washington should be expected to know its topography.  That was wrong, Volvo. So wrong.

So why the Twicrackery?  I dig the story.  Girl moves to craphole town.  Girl falls for bad boy in her biology class.  Not-so-bad boy falls for girl.   Boy leaves girl…after his vampire brother attempts to murder her.  Gentle giant arch nemesis steps in to heal girl’s wounded heart…before his werewolf brother lunges at her.  Boys vie for girl’s affections…as their brothers ponder kicking each other’s asses. Mortal enemies join forces to protect the damnedsel in distress. Tensions soar.   Testosterone flares.   Mayhem ensues.   Love conquers.  Immortality abounds.  Renesmee disturbs.   The end.

For anyone who’s read the books, you have to admit the first movie was kind of a downer.  As if they couldn’t have picked the worst lead actress, they had to dress the fear-inciting and awe-inspiring vampires as pale emo kids, indistinguishable from any Fall Out Boy concert-goer.   Then they tossed in all sorts of crap that wasn’t in the book.  I blame it on the flakey chick director.

So I was scared what they’d do with “New Moon,” my favorite of the 4 published books.  I knew there was a huge chance for whatthefuckery, but previews of golden-eyed vampires kicking ass and cast interviews contrasting it to the first film gave me hope.

It did not disappoint.  Sure, Kristen Stewart’s acting still sucks – but there was enough going on to downplay her brow raising, deep sighing and lip biting.  And, for the most part, they stayed true to the book.  The screenwriter wasn’t so heavy handed this time.   Although, Jacob threatening to beat Mike’ Newton’s ass? What the hell?   Sure, it’d be fun to see, but that’s not Jacobian.

As a fan of most movies styled Vampire v. Werewolf, I must give kudos to the casting director for assembling the Volturi. Michael Sheen, “Underworld” Lycan leader, as Aro, vamp vanguard? Brilliant. Dakota Fanning not sucking as Jane? Shocking. There’s been talk of a Volturi spinoff. That would be a little much. I’d rather see them reemerge where they should: in “Breaking Dawn.”

If you are a Twidork aged past the point of grounding, I recommend waiting 2 weeks before seeing a newly released installment. I’m really glad we waited so long to see it, especially on a Thursday night.   Instead of a tween-packed squeelfest, we sat with two dozen  20-30somethings.   Rather than deafening shrieks as Taycob removes his shirt or Robward strolls in slow-mo, there was a rumble of laughter.  There’s a humor to the Twizzledizzle movies that a 15 year old can’t appreciate. 😉

My only disappointment was the ending.  KStew’s bad acting screwed up what could’ve been a great moment.   A smirk… a look that screams “WTF”… hell, an eye roll would’ve been better than the trademark sigh.

But at least it gives “Eclipse” a good place to start.   The already-filmed threequel is touted as a darker, action film.  Which is fine with me.

I’ll take growling and biting over eyebrow furling any day.

Stephanie Meyer is a Whore


Tuesday, September 8th, 2009

Why else would the she green light licensing agreements that result in Twilight branded BK crowns, Barbie dolls, eye shadow and even a line of Nordstrom clothing?

Or maybe it’s that the millions upon millions she’s made off book sales and movie residuals just aren’t enough.   Maybe her plan is to bleed the franchise dry.

Pun intended.

Sorry about that.

So I say more power to her.  Who needs a sense of pride in one’s work and a refusal to compromise when there are so many products out there screaming for Twilight cross promotion!  Better yet, why not pitch her some more lucrative product placement ideas:

  • Snack like a Cullen: Mother’s Iced Animals Limited Edition Blood Red Cookies:  Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh yum!  Spider Monkeys not included!
  • ADT Security System:  Keeping Daughters In and Vampires Out for Decades!
  • Edward Cullen for the Humane Society: reminding you to spay or neuter your dogs
  • Stay Claritin clear for all of your meadow-romping!
  • JC Penney Presents The Renesmee Portrait Package:  Your little one grows up so fast, capture those moments on film!
  • Velcro:  Official Outfitter of the Quileute Wolves
  • Victoria’s Secret presents the padded Bella Bra:  If your chest feels as empty as hers does in New Moon, this bra is for you!


Shame on you, Stephanie Meyer.  It’s hard enough being a 30-something year who’s not only read all 4 books but who also intends to see all 4 movies.  I catch enough crap for that already.  But when you go out and teenyboppify your trademark at New Kids on the Block levels, you’ve gone too far, missy.

Slow your roll, look inward and learn from your beloved Edward:  Just say no to being a ho.