Category: Fanpire

What is Wrong with Me!?!

Wednesday, October 24th, 2012

This past week, I’ve been crossing off every November scheduling task on my to-do list

  • Mammogram – November 2nd
  • Hair – November 9th
  • Car Repair – November 16th

I’ve even reached out to friends I haven’t seen in forever in hopes of catching up.   Mama needs a caffeine-fueled pedi with her BFF!

But it took this tweet to make me realize I’d forgotten THE must-schedule date!

The Saga ends – November 16th.   Now, I’m not crazy enough to go see it on the release date.  I’ll give it a couple of weeks, allowing enough time for a tween-free viewing.

Wait a second…. Do you know what that means?  Technically, it’s a December must-schedule event.  Whew.

My Twidork status remains in tact.


Damnit, Target

Monday, November 29th, 2010

You’ve charged my credit card.

Now ship my DVD already!

I needs mah tracking number!

Don’t Judge a Book by Its Movie

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

In response to Barb’s Twiluctance, I present a Twidork’s perspective.

1. Real vampires* don’t sparkle.

What’s wrong with a sparkly vampire, people? Who are we to judge their effervescent reaction to the sun? My fair skin freckles in sunlight. Traditional vamps disintegrate into ash. I find sparkling so much more pleasant. Besides, a little bling makes so many things so much better. Like Cher. Or flip flops.

2. Real vampires don’t wait for Kristen Stewart.

No, they don’t. And they shouldn’t. In the books, Bella’s got balls. She goes toe-to-toe with Edward and doesn’t take his crap (or anyone else’s for that matter). She’s not the helpless, fragile emofo KStew portrays. Book Bella’s fearless and keeps her man-vamp guessing. That makes her kinda perfect for Edward, so he waits. No one waits for KStew, except RPatz.

3. Real vampires don’t bite their lips and sigh.

I’m hoping KStew’s Twitourettes lifts by the time she gets vamped in Breaking Dawn Part Deux. If she doesn’t, the screenwriter can always add a comedic scene where newly-turned KStew takes an accidental chomp outta her lower lip.

4. Real vampires don’t go back to high school.

High school is a pretty sore subject for most. How many of us have said we’d never want to relive that nightmare. But imagine how awesome it would be to go back all-knowing and all hotness? Plus, what’s an eternal insomniac to do? Daytime TV and mountain lion hunting can get old. Fast. High school’s not such a heinous way to pass time if you’re looking to blend into a small, Olympic Coast town while your hot dad works at the local hospital.

Basically, what I’m saying is that you can’t judge the Twilight book series based on the movies. The movies make for great eye candy, but they take liberty with character interpretation and plot lines. Not to say that Stephanie Meyer’s work is exactly Jane Austen-tastic, but her books are a fun, quick read. I read all 4 in 5 days. And who cares that they’re not “traditional” vampires. They’re an interesting spin on a centuries old myth. And, yes, the books are PG-13 at best, but so are all the schmutzy teen rom-coms we rarely confess to watching.

Admit it. You know who Mike Dexter is.

Guess what? He’s also Carlisle Cullen. 😉

* We are ignoring the fact that there are no such things as “real” vampires.

What I Accomplished This Weekend

Sunday, May 16th, 2010




Ah, yes!  Between lunches/brunches and a friend’s surprise dinner party, I managed to have my first booze since completing antibiotics.

Oh, and I applied the first sealant coat on the Stenstorp.  One down, twenty-five to go!

I guess my biggest accomplishment was talking Dan outta buying us tickets to the midnight premiere of “Eclipse.”  What!?! Your heterosexual lifemate offered to escort you to a Twilight film and you kaboshed that!?! Yep. I love him too much to torture him. And then there was the whole drag caveat…

He threatened to dress up like Bella so we could “fully experience the frenzy.”  Thank Jeebus June 30th is a work night.  As much as I appreciate his willingness to go, there are three reasons why I dissuaded the Bella-donning.

First things first, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t grasp the awesomeness of this scene like a pro-agro Edward/anti-do nothing Bella, Charlie-loving Twidork should:

Second, I couldn’t sufficiently train him to obsessively bite his lower lip while simultaneously sighing.  I could try by having him repeatedly watch the first two installments. But he would refuse to do so, and it wouldn’t matter anyway. No one can ever match that level of emo-Stewing.

The third and most important reason is that I’d be really embarrassed if he rocked skinny jeans when my ass can’t.

I’ll take the Luann portion of anorexia with bulimia on the side.

No, thank you.

Status Update

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

I have returned the PajamaJeans, sufficiently stalked and requested my refundage from Target.

Apparently, the “Sorry, New Moon pre-purchasers, we’re serious about that price match guarantee and will refund you upon shipping” notice Target emailed this week was a stall tactic.   My call obviously wasn’t the poor support agent’s first Twi-inquiry.  She had the schpeel down.  According to Maleda, Target’s created another team to address the issue, a refund is promised and an estimated time for refund cannot be provided right now.  She was deeply apologetic for this and appreciative of my patience.  Whatever.  We’re talking $7.  It’s not like you resurrected my childhood dog just so you could kill him.  I found the apologies and kudos unnecessary.  But, then again, I’m 33.

There’s a reason 13 year olds can’t have credit cards. Otherwise, Target’s overseas support team would require a crash course in tween crisis management. Agents would learn phrases like “I apologize for the utter devastation and total bungholiness our accounting error has caused you, miss;” “If I STFU as you have requested, I cannot be of assistance to your problem;” and (when things are at Def Con 5) “Your sorrow over the lost $7 is like the emptiness Bella felt when Edward left her in the woods and that makes me so sad for you. I would never, ever hurt you like that.”

But, I digress. My biggest task list relief came when I submitted the wedding album revisions this afternoon. I can’t wait to see the final product (kow). I’m kinda hoping there’s time for a reproof so I can post it here. We’ll see. I’m not going to push that, because I procrastinated so long in answering our wedding album creator.

That leaves me with thank you notes, bulbs n’ hoes and the margarita machine.

But don’t those sound more like weekend tasks?