Category: Sloth


Friday, January 23rd, 2015

When Dan asked me if I wanted a Roku last year, I declined.  Why would I want that when I can just DVR shows I want to see?  And why do these whippersnappers use the Snapchitchat anyway?

Then, tragedy struck.  Our cable died over the New Year holiday.  Faced with a long weekend of forced boob tube weaning, I made a rare trip to Best Buy for my fix: an HDMI plus-in Roku.

It. is. awesome.

After Emme arrived, my desire to keep up with must-see-TV disappeared.  I spent three years clueless as my Facebook feed filled with gasps over this show and threatened spoilers for that show.   As each year passed, I figured my chances of catching up were nil.   When you have a tiny person in your life, the idea of spending a weekend in pajamas watching shows and surviving on takeout is a pipe dream, akin to fitting into college clothes and waking up to something other than the jarring sounds of a human alarm clock.

The Roku gave me hope.  I had incentive to rejoin couch potato civilization in a casual and gradual manner.

Yeah, screw that.  I soon realized that if kiddo went down at 7:00pm, I could watch 3-4 hour-long episodes per night and sneak in extras when cleaning.  It took me one week to watch four seasons of “Downton Abbey” and another week to watch three seasons of “Orange is the New Black.”   Translation: I can now politely and most prodigiously employ a wireless to shank a rat-mouthed bitch.

Tonight, I started “The Mindy Project.”  There are 57 24-minute episodes.  That should take me 2 weeks to get through.

Or less.


Saturday, July 16th, 2011

I had every intention of kicking ass and completing the nursery this weekend.

But without her changing table and its ample storage space in place, we’re kind of at a standstill.  It’s supposed to be here on Tuesday (knock on wood), but it technically hasn’t shipped.  Wally World assigned it a tracking number yesterday yet FedEx still doesn’t have physical custody.  Grr.  I see you on the horizon, Mercury Retrograde, and I don’t like it one bit!

I’m going to run a couple errands to pick up some odds and ends tomorrow, but I have a feeling I’ll be spending a few weeknights shopping for those last items.

The good news is that we’ve picked her name!  Dan and I shook on it this morning.  For those of you in the know, SHHHH.  We’d like to keep it secret from here on out.  You tell and I’ll fake postpartum psychosis to spike your Tab with habanero juice!   On the nursery front, this that means I can order her wall letters from Etsy (either Dwelling Online or Laura Colley).

So instead of being super-productive, Season and I got pedicures and pizza.  We had every intention of going to A Woman’s Work, but they’ve nixed their weekend hours.  Only open weekdays from 9:00am to 5:00pm, they aren’t exactly working mom-friendly.  She then came over and did a Wiggle Room walk-through, pointing out the things we still need and those she found most useful for her 8 month old.

The rest of the afternoon was spent sitting on the couch with my Shrek  feet elevated, watching HGTV and working on my list o’ pediatric questions.  We won’t get to meet Wiggles’ pediatrician until after she’s born (kow), so I’m putting a list of questions in my bag.  It seems a little anal retentive, but I figure that if my brain is already this mushy, it’ll be much worse after giving birth.  Plus, I figure it’s a good test.  If she’s annoyed by my prepared list, she will not be Wiggles’ doctor.

Tomorrow I plan on cleaning up the stuff that I emptied from my office to make room for the nursery.  It involves over 10 years of files, tschotskes and just plain ole crap.

I wonder how much it would cost to rent a dumpster…

S(no)w Day

Friday, February 4th, 2011

I’ve had snow envy throughout this winter.  While the country has endured record-breaking snow conditions, Houston’s seen no slushy goodness.

But then a glimmer of shimmery white hope emerged earlier this week, when local forecasters predicted a 10% chance of snow for Friday.  By Thursday, that probability skyrocketed to 60%.  Wednesday night was spent stocking up sundries needed for snowcaptivity (prescriptions,cream cheese, root beer…)

I hauled ass outta the office on Thursday, hoping to beat the weather.   The weathermen kept saying “It’s coming…if not this afternoon, then tonight…or tomorrow…”  All night, I waited.  And waited.  I awoke at 1:15am.  No snow.  4:25am.  Nada.  I finally awoke at 6:20am and within moments, the weatherman confirmed there would be no snow.  Luckily, widespread roadway closures due to black ice justified an office closure.


I plopped on the living room couch, giddily expecting to spend my day watching guilty pleasures like Nate Berkus, Ellen, Dr. Oz and Oprah.   Instead, local channels chose to turn frozen water into “HORRIBLE TERRIBLE ARCTIC WINTER STORM BREAKING NEWS.”   They devoted the next six hours to showing the same 7-day forecast and traffic alerts.  They’d occasionally cut to live shots of shivering reporters regurgitating “The ice still hasn’t melted” and “Yeah, um, I’d stay home if I were you.”  Riveting.

I opted to watch CNN.  Their morning line-up is god-awful, but they covered actual news-worthy events.  I broke the monotony by frying up corn and flour tortillas.  What?  When bored, you don’t fry random things?  That’s crazy talk! I’d never really done that and wanted to see how it turned out.  I was aiming for taco shells, I got tortilla chips instead.  Success! 

Luckily, the local s’newsathon ended at 1:00pm.  I celebrated with a shower and leftover tacos before returning to the couch for my daytime tv crack.

Was it a productive day? Not really.  But it sure beat going to work.

That alone well makes up for getting snowed by weathermen.

What I Accomplished This Weekend

Sunday, May 16th, 2010




Ah, yes!  Between lunches/brunches and a friend’s surprise dinner party, I managed to have my first booze since completing antibiotics.

Oh, and I applied the first sealant coat on the Stenstorp.  One down, twenty-five to go!

I guess my biggest accomplishment was talking Dan outta buying us tickets to the midnight premiere of “Eclipse.”  What!?! Your heterosexual lifemate offered to escort you to a Twilight film and you kaboshed that!?! Yep. I love him too much to torture him. And then there was the whole drag caveat…

He threatened to dress up like Bella so we could “fully experience the frenzy.”  Thank Jeebus June 30th is a work night.  As much as I appreciate his willingness to go, there are three reasons why I dissuaded the Bella-donning.

First things first, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t grasp the awesomeness of this scene like a pro-agro Edward/anti-do nothing Bella, Charlie-loving Twidork should:

Second, I couldn’t sufficiently train him to obsessively bite his lower lip while simultaneously sighing.  I could try by having him repeatedly watch the first two installments. But he would refuse to do so, and it wouldn’t matter anyway. No one can ever match that level of emo-Stewing.

The third and most important reason is that I’d be really embarrassed if he rocked skinny jeans when my ass can’t.

I’ll take the Luann portion of anorexia with bulimia on the side.

No, thank you.

Home Sick

Tuesday, May 4th, 2010

Last night was rough.  I kept tossing, turning, hacking and sweating. Yes, sweating and without ever having a fever.  Bizarre.

When I’m sick, I sleep on the couch.  Our sectional makes it easier for me to spread out and sleep upright.   It took everything I had to roll off the couch this morning.  I let the office know I’d be two hours late and somehow managed to take a shower and get dressed.  Then I got the phone call telling me not to come in…I needed my rest. I felt like ass.  I wasn’t going to argue.

Staying home sick always makes my dutiful Virgo self feel guilty.  So I tackle household tasks to make myself useful.  After changing from my work clothes, I did the dishes and started laundry.  I then turned on the laptop, loaded my work email and commuted via the interwebs.   Excluding the time it took to boil some quinoa pasta, unload the washing machine and pee, I didn’t stop working until 3:45.

So much for a day of rest huh?   I’m pooped.   The good news is that I’m starting to believe there’s something to these vitamins.  This plague, while not fun, could be so much worse.  (KNOCK ON A RAIN FOREST). The fact that I’m not laying on a floor saying “Take me now, Jeebus!” after today’s hectic workload is a miracle.

Though it would be nice if I could stop tossing, turning, hacking and sweating.

Unless I could somehow sweat off 25 pounds.