This week has been choc full o’ medical professional goodness.
Skin Crawl Monday: buttcrack of dawn boobogram yielded results that didn’t necessitate the biennial paddle torture (ultrasound). Wahoo!!
Following the smooshing, I went to get blood drawn for allergy testing. Inside the same building was LabCorp #1. I was taken to a small room, where my pissy pants tech was losing her shit over a misplaced Sharpie. She couldn’t see my paperwork well enough to read my name, so I had to spell it for her. At that point, my v-word phobic self went from concerned to full on panic. My lame circulatory system needs a patient, focused phlebotomist. This chickie was angry, frazzled and poke happy. At one point, a sharp pain surged through my arm, I winced and she said “Eh, it won’t bleed – I didn’t get in.” Yeah, that’s when it started bleeding. She told me I needed a butterfly but she was out of those…in her room…they were down the hall. Uh… Instead, she suggested I drink water and come back. I had to get pissy in front of a packed waiting room, but I got my paperwork back. There was no way in hell I’d return to that nightmare.
Tuesday Bloody Tuesday: LabCorp #2 was inside the ghetto hospital closest to my house. You know it’s a bad omen when the floor of the hospital’s entrance has a pool of drying blood. And, though every ounce of me said “Turn around. Get in your car. Leave!” I did not. I entered LabCorp #2. It was the size of a prison cell, complete with a dust-covered, non-working tv, stained carpet and water-soaked ceiling tiles. It was drug testing day. Lots of gentleman ready to pee in a cup. The 15 year old running the joint saw LabCorp #1’s stamp, asked what I was doing there and looked at my arm before telling me to drink more water and try LabCorp #1 again. I bolted outta there annoyed that I’d wasted my time against my better judgment.
Pricks-R-Us Wednesday: I resigned that if LabCorp #3 was a bust, I would ask my allergist to write orders for another lab chain. Luckily, the third time was a charm. It was staffed with several technicians of legal age and positive temperament. I was super figgity, so I shared my LabCorp #1 and #2 trauma. The angel assigned to me took pity and said “Okay, we’re gonna do this differently…” She basically treated me like a pediatric patient with a smaller needle and smaller collection tubes. She even got me on the first try! Had I not been focused on staying in my skin, I would’ve hugged her. She furthered her angelic status by talking about random things. I hate it when there’s silence or they talk about the blood drawing process – that makes it so much more heinous. After a couple of minutes, my molasses blood flow clogged the fifth of ten tubes. When I asked if she planned on going into the other hand, she simply said “Nope.” She then wrote on my orders “This is all we can get – get it right!” That move alone qualifies her for sainthood.
I merrily headed for my allergy skin test. I was guided through the process by a chick eager to eat lunch and answer her cell phone. Forty pricks and fifteen minutes later, Ms. Sunshine tells me I’m not allergic to dairy, cats, dogs or shrimp. Oddly enough, I’m EpiPentastically allergic to cockroaches. Seriously, who isn’t? I asked her why my hands burn when I pet a dog or cat and why I get congested when I eat dairy. Her response? “Maybe you’re allergic to them. The doctor will explain in 2 weeks (when I get the blood test results).” Mkay…
R-E-S-D-T-P Thursday: Today, I concluded my human pin cushion stint with a trip to my doctor for a tetanus shot. When I explained how my OB/GYN suggested getting the vaccine before getting knocked up (not exactly the words I used), the nurse explained that would be difficult to code for insurance. Did I say this was optional? No! No! Look at this heinous, rusty nail injury… yeah… (KOW). While she was trying to be helpful, her bedside manner was seriously lacking. She told me “I hate giving this vaccine almost as much as I hate getting it…” “This is going to hurt…” “You’ll need to take Tylenol or Advil and alternate hot and cold compresses for the stinging and swelling…” As she prepped the needle, I braced myself.
For nothing. Easybreezybeautifulcovergirl!
My next task is an MMR vaccine, but I’m going to take a few days off… ya know, before this happens:
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